A public speech i made back in November of 2008 with Harry Palmer, the amazing self proclaimed eccentric archeologist, outside St Martins Church in Brum-Town. Harry did a great speech on the current crisis of hedgehogs in England and then i followed up with this. take it with a pinch of salt, yeh? coz you know... it is stylised as a speech for general public interest and outrage, although i haven't sexed up my opinions so much as the form in which they come...
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Open Relationships, Alternative Relationships, Polygamy, Polyamory, Whatever you want to call it, I hope this translates more as a speech of personal motivation, than as a preach of condemnation.
Boys and Girls, a not-too-surprising statistic:
83% of sexually active UK inhabitants admit to cheating on a partner at some point in their life. Yet in strange contrast, less than 1% of the UK’s population currently consider themselves to have an “open relationship” with their partner(s). So why is that?
Clearly, there is a desire beyond one partner; beyond monogamy. Yet it comes out in the forms of “cheating”, and “2 timing”: in secret. We are so scared of jeopardising our current relationships that we either sacrifice, suppress, or hide our true impulses. Most of us probably did a double take of some guy or girl on the bus today, but wouldn’t tell our partner about it.
Concepts like, “cheating”, and “betrayal” continue to confuse and alienate me. They both hinge on some kind of deception, which, if you are truly open with your partner, need not exist. We all enjoy different people for different reasons: being open about that shouldn’t be taboo.
People express love in so many ways: linking arms, kissing, love letters, hugging, intercourse, shaking hands, a phone call, a warm embrace, S&M, music: anything you put your heart into. To some degree or other, you are expressing love to almost everyone you communicate on a regular basis with, and so I see it as presumptuous to declare that there is a line restricting what is appropriate to use as an expression, or not, or to who I am expressing myself. What is so different between kissing someone’s cheek, and kissing someone’s mouth? They are only an inch away from each other. Why does it matter whether it is my mother I’m kissing, or my ex, if it’s the same gesture. is a massage cheating? is staying over cheating? is looking cheating?
By redefining my own relationship, I have learnt so much more about myself and about my partner. I have learnt that in reality, I can’t depend on one person to be the sole provider of everything I desire in life. That’s why we have friends and family, with whom we have relationships and with whom we share love.
You shouldn’t be scared or held back by prejudice in your expression, and I encourage you to make love, however you want to imagine its creation, with your friends, male and female, your family, yourself. Kiss your sister, write your dad a love letter, feel your friend’s skin.
Even in legislation, expression of love has been restricted and filtered. Homosexuality was only decriminalised in 1967! And I think people will look back at our contemporary viewpoint and think the same of incest. People are quick to condemn it as disgusting or unnatural, much as homosexuality has been, but when there is clearly so much love for your family, if you are comfortable with it, then why not express that love physically?
Regarding this viewpoint, people often ask, “if you have no moral boundaries regarding incest, then do you also condone bestiality, necrophilia or paedophilia?” The fundamental difference between incest and the other aforementioned taboos is that assuming both parties are acting of their own free will, consent is still given, whereas the illegality of bestiality and paedophilia is rooted in the inability of those involved to give consent. Necrophilia is a grey area, with some states of America not prosecuting necrophiliacs on the grounds that a person loses all their human rights at the point of death. i can see the argument, but how good can fucking a corpse be anyway?
Now, there’s a frequent misconception with open relationships that it’s just a licence to go on one night stands all the time, but this is about radicalising a whole cultural tradition and trying to emancipate ourselves from our repressed condition, not just an excuse for no strings sex!
One man writes,
“there are real virtues and benefits of non-monogamy (not just the logistics of how to do it), such as the personal growth one experiences by letting go of jealousy, knowing that your lover is free-er person because of your understanding, and the fact that all involved have an opportunity to know, love and experience different people”.
I must stress, that not everyone suits an alternative relationship. Some people are just easily contented and claim to be completely satisfied by their lover in every possible way. Others are simply too insecure to stop being possessive, for whom even monogamy is difficult. Never the less, I think it is important to question and challenge one's emotional bonds, even if you don’t feel comfortable with a fully blown, completely emancipatory, alternative to monogamy.
As this is only a little speech, and there are already reams and reams to read about the practice of polyamory and its recommended implementations, i will only give a little general advice that i think applies to all relationships...
Be true to yourself, firstly.
You should feel empowered to follow your desires and express affection towards people you feel for; your friends, your family, fond strangers; not scared that the Mrs might find out. relationships are not units, to maintain for the sake of it, but for the mutual enjoyment of sharing space and time. if you can't love yourself, it is dangerous to be reliant on others to provide it for you.
Secondly, be true to your lover(s).
Tell him or her when you “ cheat ”. Tell them that you fancy other people if you do. Tell them you fantasise about other people. Never lie. ...This does not mean labouring the gory details of your "infidelity".
And thirdly, if being true to yourself and following something you feel jeopardises your relationship, then maybe you’re in the wrong relationship! Too often couples sacrifice each other’s happiness for a partnership that’s well past its best-by-date. Don’t do it!
Having said that, i am not an anti-monogomist. I also have faith in the rejuvenation of one-on-one relationships, through a manifesto of change, but it is clear that many are reluctant to disturb their comfort zone. I honestly believe relationships can be achieved without possessiveness, and a need to control your partner’s love. The greatest thing you can give someone you love is their freedom, because then everything your lover gives you is voluntary and untarnished by the ability to wield power over each other. It can take huge amounts of time, trust, and will, to deconstruct a culture of coercive power games and unrealistic, romanticised expectations. However, through confronting your jealousy and dissipating your insecurities by having faith in yourself and your partner(s), I think it is possible.
And that is the encouragement I am trying to impart to you. Challenge your current relationships, be true to yourself and radicalise the way you express your love.
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