childhood memory 2

when i was 7 i was slow and missed the toilet by a few long seconds. it was the last time i shit my pants*. after a minute of initial panic, and a brief check to make sure it really was as bad as it had sounded, i decided to cunningly dispose of the soiled underwear by lobbing them over the cubicle's side panel - thereby disowning the evidence and cleverly avoiding any future consequences. tee-hee-hee, i thought. after tuck-break, however, we returned to class and i immediately smelt trouble. a stern teacher addressed the class brandishing the filthy pants - lofting them on high for all to see. on this i had not counted! an awkward child shuffled beside her, growing red in the face. "WHO...", she paused for effect, "thought it was a funny prank, to throw THESE...", she paused again, "on poor Andrew's head?" shit. i was done for. the all seeing eye of the teacher would surely know it was me. did they really have eyes in the back of their heads? - there was the childish "ommmm..." choiring around the room, and accusative stares shot from tell-tale pupil to tell-tale pupil like bitchy friendly-fire. i kept schtum and Miss made us ALL miss play-time. after the bell had gone i approached Andrew in the playground. i told him i was sorry and said i'd share my fizzy pop with him if he didn't tell anyone. an out-of-court settlement, for all intents and purposes. since then, of course, i've grown up a lot and instead throw my shit out of windows (LINK)

*correct at time of writing. due to a bout of particularly aggressive diarrhoea this must now be corrected